This is ironic. Right after posting that exploration of happiness represented by my new house and solid loving man, I am struck with The Feeling. Waiting for me, apparently, when the work was done, when the move was completed and the new business launched. This blanket of blue. This frown. This ache in my chest. Maybe I should take solace in the fact that I can't blame The Feeling on circumstances. Everything is still real pretty, my relationship still strong and sexy. I'm not lonely or heartbroken. I'm not confused about where home is. My dog didn't just die. But then again, maybe I can look to circumstances to explain a bit of why I feel so blue. I don't have anything to do. And before you say, god, I wish I had that problem, let me say that I too would take not having anything to do over having too much to do or, worst of all, having to do what I don't want to do. So many dos. But not today. Today there are not enough and I sit here contemplating the void. If I were my friend I would tell myself to be still with the silence. That clearly the degree to which I am triggered by this stillness must mean there is much to learn. All true. And yet I buck and trash, searching for a task that would tell me I'm productive. That I have purpose. That I am worth being here.
I've said many times that I spend my money on free time. Which explains why I'm lacking funds but rich in time. Time holds more value than anything on this earth. Would you use an hour on a Saturday to buy a plush bath towel? The answer for me is always no. There are few things I would buy with my hours. But I would readily turn my hours into something of value to me. Something I made, wrote, spoke, cooked, laughed about. Trouble is, I don't always know what is of value to me. Like today. And yesterday. And probably this whole week if I'm honest. And so my free time builds up, a shaky stack, a weight, a burden. I'm heavy with it today, hours upon hours with nothing of importance to use it on. The balance is off, scales sickeningly off kilter, one side crushed to the ground, the other swinging in the air.