I walked Bello in the park while I talked to my sister on the phone. I suppose you can guess the subject.

First I wanted to vent and I wanted to judge. A half hour later I wanted to feel sorry for myself. And I did. And still do a little. But by the end I had to admit that I'm upset because my fantasy world has been disturbed by this realty check. And I'm very attached to the fantasy world, a world in which he and I reunite. Yes, we broke up, yes, it was for good reasons, but that was then. The future is for romantics. The fantasy future has us realize we truly love each other, always have, and admit that our decision to break up was foolish, prideful, and just plain wrong. At the end of this completely unoriginal and predictable storyline we kiss wildly and move in together.

I'm not very good at letting go. Perhaps it is a blessing these fantasies self-destruct all on their own.

Destruction usually comes when one of the parties dates someone new. And unfortunately for me, I am never the one dating someone new. And so a second break-ups occurs. And this one feels worse in many ways because I don't have the actual person there to remind me why we broke up. I just have the fantasy person and he's really great. The fantasy person is everything I wanted from the original but didn't find plus all the things I liked about him and now glorify. You can imagine how shitty it feels to be left by this guy, my soulmate and future. I'm not above changing the fantasy to incorporate, and then do away with, the new lover- something along the lines of "but he never felt about her the way he felt about me..." but it's not as good. And so tonight I will mope. But I will also try to see this as a good thing. On a practical level it frees me up to meet someone new. Now that I'm no longer betrothed to my fantasy ex-boyfriend.

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