Tonight, instead of dressing up and drinking champagne and dancing with my friends and lover, I am alone by the fire. It took hours to make the decision not to go. It took half the day. There was nothing in me that felt festive and yet the desire to participate and belong was so strong that I changed in and out of four different party outfits before surrendering, once and for all, to my flannels. Go Luke, go Sarah, you have the sparkle tonight. Later, when the shouts and hoots and whooooos from outside had died down I opened my journal to the goals I set for myself this time last year. Most of them centered on grounding myself which has been a theme for years now. Partnership, friendships, gardening, animals, health. My goals for the new year are more outwardly focused. Work, wealth, accomplishments, maturity, commitment, and an expanded definition of who I am and what my impact will be. I'm glad I stayed in. I was able to sharpen those goals, in silence and alone, so that I am clear about what I really want. Sober, pointed, directed, determined but with the grace and ability of a grown woman.

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